The FAFSA – New and Improved!

Couldn’t stop giggling. FUCK FAFSA

Kristen Hansen Brakeman

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Everyone hates the FAFSA college financial aid form.  It’s a pain in the neck to fill out, and for middle class families it seems like a big waste of time  – they won’t qualify for need-based aid anyway.

As usual, the government is quick to respond to complaints and is working on revising the form.  And thanks to the kids in my ten-year-old daughter’s “Learn to Code” class who accidentally hacked into the government’s website, I have an early version of the new, improved, FAFSA form.

Will it help middle class families?  Judge for yourself:


1. List your parents’ assets and income as fabricated on line 7 of their federal tax return.

2. List your parents’ “other money” like shady Cayman Island offshore accounts, loose change found cushions of sofa, contents of the coin jar in laundry room, and that envelope of cash they have in the  top drawer of their bedroom…

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Sunflower Cemetery:: Hard Harvest

                Nan’s hands were trembling as she tied ribbons around the bouquet in front of her. She was holding one of the bright yellow sunflowers, with the extra big head and petals reaching out in pointed stretches. Out the window, the flowers that had not been chopped on Harvest Day were beginning to droop, and the petals releasing one a time, big brown heads bare under foggy morning sun, the hairlines were ragged and stained, only the first rows in stark contrast against the white fog.

                Bee was sitting in the window, and Ella was sitting across from Nan, tying twine around other bouquets. Bee had arranged them all, and she was still slowly fitting flowers together in perfect pairs although she was distracter, her eyes flicking up and out the window. Her friend Daisy was coming over, and as always, her grandmother was late dropping her off. Continue reading



The moment you told me I was as pretty as my sister,
if not more so,
was the moment you broke my heart.
Before that, I did not even know you had my heart,
but at that moment I knew that you did
and I also knew there was no other way out.
You had stolen me by stealing confessions of a sin
I dared not confide, the insecurity that blackened
the dark part of my heart that knew no beat-
a small grave of insecurities blossomed in every girl’s bosom.
I loved my sister as much as I adored you,
that is how I knew you would bend me,
because you only give penance on your knees
and you were as pretty as the altar beneath my rosary.

Man Monologue: Turning 22

 ” Every kid should have to move back in with their parents at least once. Getting out that second time, it’s like a man’s first day out of jail (which I also know about); your first reaction is your last bad habit. It’s fucking freedom man, and you learned you only got one life to live staring in that white fridge (or eating off that tray).” Continue reading


 “Well, what’s your real name, then?” Karl kicked at the rusted tressel below his feet, his legs dangling over the rushing river. 

       “If I told you, I would have to kill you.” Shirley shrugged, her pointy chin tilted up towards the sky while Karl kept glancing at the water below them. He looked back at Shirley and noticed then that she didn’t look anything like a Shirley and wondered how he did not notice that before.  Continue reading

Sunflower Cemetery: Soil and Soul


 Image Nan was humming as she cupped a small castle of soil over the sunflower seed. Mother was digging in the basket to unearth more seeds, smiling in the hot spring sun. Ella’s little sister Bee looked forlornly at the rows that stretched forever before them, waiting to have seeds name Edmond Jefferson, Dorothy Brown and Sunshine Pancake pushed unto their barren wombs warming in the inching sun. Continue reading